Officer Down
by returntothedarklands
Summary: Lily's thoughts on Jeffries getting shot in the episode Officer Down, hence the title. Oneshot. R/R plz


**A/N: Like I said in the summary, just a moment of inspiration that hit me about an hour before I put this up. This is the result of that inspiration. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Cold Case, or any of the characters in the show and consequently, in this fanfic unless those characters are fictional and of my own making.**

Lily

When they told me you'd been shot, I swear Will, for a minute I thought my heart had actually stopped. It was weird because I wasn't the one who'd been hurt – at least not in this instance anyway – but it was still strange to feel like someone had just sucker punched me in the gut and then walked away without a word. I hadn't expected it to feel this way, like I do now. And you know what? For the first time since I got shot, since _I _got hurt, I finally understand what it must have been like for you, all of you when it was me lying on the table instead. You see, I'd sort of taken it for granted that you all would be there. That was a given. But I hadn't stopped to think what you might have felt about it, about me, in that instance when I was dying. I hadn't stopped to think what it might have cost you to be there. I know now though, god, do I know now.

It's funny, out of all of us you were the last one I thought would have something like this happen to. Mind you, if it was anybody else in your position right now then I maybe I would be saying the same thing about them. Because we don't expect it. We live with danger every single day, with the knowledge that today might our last - not because of illness or a freak accident - but for the simple fact of the job that we do, that we signed on to do. And yet it still doesn't sink in does it? Every day we put ourselves on the line but never do we actually get that it could be us. That the next one could be us or someone we've come to love. And this is because we tell ourselves that it's always someone else. That it just couldn't be us, that that is impossible. And you know what else, Will? We believe it. We truly believe that we are exempt. And every other cop that dies on the job somewhere else is just one more sad proof that we're right in what we think.

But we're not. Look at me, not so long ago in the position you are now. God, look at you. Is that not all the proof that we need that we're wrong?

I never knew how long time could seem to be. At one moment it seems to be going at a normal pace and then bang, the brakes are slammed on and suddenly we're crawling at a speed so slow it seems too unreal to be true. It isn't until then that we look around and realise that we've been running towards whatever life has to offer us, too used to the speed to realise we've been going far too fast. The alternative however, is almost as bad. Tell me Will, which one is better: To go through life so fast that we don't see half the things going on around us? Or to go so slow that we see everything. And feel everything. Including all the pain? I ask because I don't know, I just don't know the right answer anymore. Did I ever?

You wanna know one last thing Will? I've never been so philosophical my whole life. I guess it's something to do with all the stress and worry. I dunno. Whatever it is, it certainly brings up all the What If situations that we generally don't allow ourselves to think about. What if it had been me? What if you hadn't been in that shop at exactly the wrong time? And what if, god forbid, we'd been too late? You and I don't know the answer to any of these questions and neither does Scotty or Kat or Vera or even the Boss. Because none of us can truly know just when our time is up. And we can't go back in time either. Like Vera can't go back in time as I know he desperately wants to, and insist that you don't _need _to stop at a corner shop in the middle of the night for milk; even if he did drink the last of the carton in the fridge that morning. Like Scotty wishes even now that he could go back and stop Elisa from doing what she did, because even though he tells himself that he's moved on, there'll always be a part of him that never gets over it. Over her. And like how I still wonder sometimes if things could have been different between my mother and I. If I had been just a bit more understanding, a bit more willing to listen to what she had to say then could I have saved her? I want to think so, I do. But at the same time, I know that if I had the choice of going back and re-living everything, I wouldn't change a thing. Because that's what's made me the person I am today. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'll leave that up to you to decide.

The one thing that I do know for sure though, is that none of us are going to rest until we find out who did this to you. And that's a promise I can make, and more importantly, one that I can keep.

**Ok, so this is sort of meant to be a one shot but i've been toying with the idea of doing other chapters with thoughts from all the other main characters. Your thoughts on whether or not I should do this would be greatly appreciated so please review and let me know what you thought :)**


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